Thursday, January 28, 2016
I am fully aware that what I am about to say is going to upset some people - but I need to say it. I am one who needs to vent when things are difficult in life but I don't like to bore others with my problems, so writing has become almost like a best friend to me. When I feel down, or overly happy, or just emotional for any reason - I tend to feel this overwhelming desire to put my feelings into words. I share them, only because I know from experience, how others can benefit from the inner workings of another's mind. How hearing someone else echo the dialogue repeating in their own head makes them feel less alone - but I do not pretend to believe my way is right for everyone. It is not. I have been dealing with feelings that let me know I need a change. Feelings that I have been ignoring since November. But recently, these feelings have become harder and harder to dismiss. I'm just going to come out and say it: I have been depressed. It seems this is a battle many are struggling with lately, and I have decided, I can't live like this. With repeated turmoil in my family, long hours at work, a lack of time devoted to just me and my hubby - I have fallen into a hole. A hole I thought I would crawl out of if only I gave myself time. Time is not what I needed. When I watched my mom struggle with this demon I was terrified. Scared that one day this monster would find me. It did. I entertained thoughts of ending my own life; though I never told anyone at the time - I was 18. Recently I have been questioning what is the point of my existence? What is the purpose of this life? I do not enjoy crying over these thoughts. When I scored my dream job I thought this would be it - it was - the end of me thinking being a writer would be the most amazing thing in the world. I learned there is a difference between just writing and conveying a meaningful message. I have been fighting to find my next step - caught between a place of complacency and fear. But with the start of a new year and the arrival of these not so wanted questions - I've decided fear is the best place to be. I have quit my job. Not because I am not good at it, not because I can't handle the stress - but because I am more important than a title. I am more valuable than a business card. I think about how difficult the next few months could be, I know I am taking a giant leap, but my happiness is worth the gamble. You see I can't wrap my mind around medication. I don't want to cloud out my emotions with 'happy pills.' I am a firm believer, though this does not ring true for everybody, that depression is a sign of needed change. I heeded the warning. I am making the change. And I am praying for the best. I feel so different than I did just 6 months ago, like something cosmic is pulling me away from what I thought life should be. I used to be scared of turning 35, now just 8 months away, I welcome the day. I think life is about taking chances. Learning from mistakes. Arriving in destinations that have never crossed your mind. I am a dreamer. I am a hopeless romantic. And I am a believer. I believe life has great things in store for me, so I'm going to keep taking it one step at a time.
Tuesday, January 26, 2016
It is strange how life can change — how one moment everything seems perfect and the next everything blows up in your face. I’ve often sat and pondered how things could be different? How life could look so foreign even when it is my own? But this is time wasted. I am not that 23 year old bride anymore, my reality is different from what I’ve dreamt, but that doesn’t mean it is any less great. I’ve learned that the key to happiness is honesty. It is facing your fears and then spitting directly in their face. You can’t sit back and wonder what could be — you have to conquer what is. This is the untold reality of being human. There are people who will push you to be better, people who will like you so much they will fight others to obtain your affection. You must ignore their words. It is a trap. To find pleasure in others adoration is normal. It is expected. But you mustn’t let it define you. If you spend your life living in these obscured shadows of yourself, you most always will find misery. To live peacefully you must be true, you must be brave, and you must be willing to fail. To those who feel I am speaking hogwash, understand me — support feels great. But when you allow others to define you it becomes difficult to weed out the truth. You begin to lose a tiny bit of yourself. Nobody knows your inner thoughts. No one knows the pain your heart has had to heal. And no one can understand your soul other than you. Guard that like the treasure it is. It wasn’t given to you for others to figure out. It was entrusted to you by a man with a master plan. Honor Him. Trust Him. And define yourself with the miraculous truth of who you were meant to be. Because other people’s opinions don’t mean jack!