Thursday, January 28, 2016

One Step at a Time

I am fully aware that what I am about to say is going to upset some people - but I need to say it. I am one who needs to vent when things are difficult in life but I don't like to bore others with my problems, so writing has become almost like a best friend to me. When I feel down, or overly happy, or just emotional for any reason - I tend to feel this overwhelming desire to put my feelings into words. I share them, only because I know from experience, how others can benefit from the inner workings of another's mind. How hearing someone else echo the dialogue repeating in their own head makes them feel less alone - but I do not pretend to believe my way is right for everyone. It is not. I have been dealing with feelings that let me know I need a change. Feelings that I have been ignoring since November. But recently, these feelings have become harder and harder to dismiss. I'm just going to come out and say it: I have been depressed. It seems this is a battle many are struggling with lately, and I have decided, I can't live like this. With repeated turmoil in my family, long hours at work, a lack of time devoted to just me and my hubby - I have fallen into a hole. A hole I thought I would crawl out of if only I gave myself time. Time is not what I needed. When I watched my mom struggle with this demon I was terrified. Scared that one day this monster would find me. It did. I entertained thoughts of ending my own life; though I never told anyone at the time - I was 18. Recently I have been questioning what is the point of my existence? What is the purpose of this life? I do not enjoy crying over these thoughts. When I scored my dream job I thought this would be it - it was - the end of me thinking being a writer would be the most amazing thing in the world. I learned there is a difference between just writing and conveying a meaningful message. I have been fighting to find my next step - caught between a place of complacency and fear. But with the start of a new year and the arrival of these not so wanted questions - I've decided fear is the best place to be. I have quit my job. Not because I am not good at it, not because I can't handle the stress - but because I am more important than a title. I am more valuable than a business card. I think about how difficult the next few months could be, I know I am taking a giant leap, but my happiness is worth the gamble. You see I can't wrap my mind around medication. I don't want to cloud out my emotions with 'happy pills.' I am a firm believer, though this does not ring true for everybody, that depression is a sign of needed change. I heeded the warning. I am making the change. And I am praying for the best. I feel so different than I did just 6 months ago, like something cosmic is pulling me away from what I thought life should be. I used to be scared of turning 35, now just 8 months away, I welcome the day. I think life is about taking chances. Learning from mistakes. Arriving in destinations that have never crossed your mind. I am a dreamer. I am a hopeless romantic. And I am a believer. I believe life has great things in store for me, so I'm going to keep taking it one step at a time.

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